steering in the wrong direction?

work, work, work..... work, drink a bit, sleep.
Im not doing TOO well, but im doing alright. Been a month and a half since ive been on my own. I've had some oppourtunies but i pulled myself together and ignored them. I wouldn't say i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who'd care about me. BUT..... Honestly, i've given up. Dont tie yourself up with someone who'll tie you down. Im too caught up with my job which requires a lot of commitment, and if i really want to have a descent future. I'll probaly have to straighten myself out a bit more. Im like a car that needs alignment done. ( hahaha ) Plus the fact that im not book smart, im going to have to work twice as hard at this......im kind of burnt out.

`aside from that its summer 2011, this kind of weather only lasts for so long.......... espeically in vancouver.
 Dont want to waste another day living in misery. LIVE IT UPPPP, DRINK IT DOWNNN. ( responsibly of course )

Rebirth

Just making a quick blog before I go to work. For the past few days i have been thinking to myself over and over. If my relationship was really worth it. To be honest, i have no regrets. I am very glad that it happened, and im also happy that it ended. If we were meant to be together, god will let us run down the same highway again. I've learned to cherish every moment i have ever since the day he left me. I realized how many people i have put aside and ignored since I've been in relationships. There were actually quiet a few people here for me.... and still can't believe i chose to ignore them. I'd look at myself in the mirror for a period of time and realized that I wasn't being myself. My insecurities are going away. My confidence is building up, i mean i was able to go to school and work without make up. Hahaha. Questioning people about how you are, how you look is just retarded. I still couldn't beleive i did that. Why do i need reassurance? I dont.  I learned to not care what others think, you just have to accept me the way I am. Like it or not. one or the other. Growing up isn't easy. It is important to always surround yourself with positive people, ones that love you for who you are. Stick up for you when you need it. At the end, I feel like I got hit by a train, ( in a good way ). It gave me a wake up call. I feel like .... Im Reborn again.

my mistakes

I remember the first time i fell in love. It was with someone who had a huge age gap from me. I was about 15, and he was 23. I was IN LOVE with him we dated for only 9 months, reason being is because he left me to be with someone else. I was quiet hurt, I questioned myself what i did wrong everyday for the past year and a half, even though i was in other relationships. In the past year I had been over 8 relationships, it was terrible. I remember partying and hooking up having a fling with them usually lasted about 3 - 9 weeks. After 2009 new years eve, i made a stop to that, when i made a real big mistake. Partying till 3am i have passed out not knowing what i have been doing for the past 2 hours. I realized that I have sinned with a friend of mine, after that my peers turned against me the next day, I had never spoken to them again. I disappeared for the longest time up until now. I stopped partying, drinking, and became anti-social. Ive been in another two relationships since then, the first one was a big mistake the honeymoon stage was quiet nice. Afterwards, i had some physical abuse, and experienced being cheated on. I left without letting him know; changed my cellphone number, removed him off facebook. A few weeks later....i fell in love, deeply in love. I have never felt this way about anyone before since the first relationship i had when i was 15. This felt like more... I felt butterflies in my stomach when i was with him all the time. Sadly, this relationship ended just a few days ago. I'm still a bit upset while I am typing this actually. I tried very hard to believe in him, to support him, to be there for him. Of course our first month was almost flawless. We rushed into it, took a launch moved out together spent everyday together. I was excited to the point where I couldn't sleep. I didn't want him to sleep, even though he had work I just wanted him to stay up with me. ( pretty self-fish of me ) he bared with it, we discussed about it. After the first month, i had my first break up. It was because of my past, which his friends have mentioned to him about, being in various relationships, drinking, partying. However, we worked it out, got back together. Throughout our relationship, it was quiet a roller coaster, we had arguements mostly because of my insecurities. We went through 3 break ups within our 5 month and 1 week relationship. 

I would question if he would cheat, or leave me several times a week. Even though he gets to see me only once i week i would spend an hour worrying about it. I would become emo and upset, without his reassurance. This drove him nuts, it drove him away from me. Who wouldn't be tired from all of it? I was pretty tired myself. I wore him out.

    Now as i think to myself while i'm typing this, maybe its time to give myself a break. I think its time to focus on myself and build self-esteem, and confidence. I've finally come to this conclusion because not only did i just lose a simple relationship this time. I lost one that meant more than the world to me. I know for sure next time, when I'm ready. I won't be the same girl I have been for the past 4 years.