I remember the first time i fell in love. It was with someone who had a huge age gap from me. I was about 15, and he was 23. I was IN LOVE with him we dated for only 9 months, reason being is because he left me to be with someone else. I was quiet hurt, I questioned myself what i did wrong everyday for the past year and a half, even though i was in other relationships. In the past year I had been over 8 relationships, it was terrible. I remember partying and hooking up having a fling with them usually lasted about 3 - 9 weeks. After 2009 new years eve, i made a stop to that, when i made a real big mistake. Partying till 3am i have passed out not knowing what i have been doing for the past 2 hours. I realized that I have sinned with a friend of mine, after that my peers turned against me the next day, I had never spoken to them again. I disappeared for the longest time up until now. I stopped partying, drinking, and became anti-social. Ive been in another two relationships since then, the first one was a big mistake the honeymoon stage was quiet nice. Afterwards, i had some physical abuse, and experienced being cheated on. I left without letting him know; changed my cellphone number, removed him off facebook. A few weeks later....i fell in love, deeply in love. I have never felt this way about anyone before since the first relationship i had when i was 15. This felt like more... I felt butterflies in my stomach when i was with him all the time. Sadly, this relationship ended just a few days ago. I'm still a bit upset while I am typing this actually. I tried very hard to believe in him, to support him, to be there for him. Of course our first month was almost flawless. We rushed into it, took a launch moved out together spent everyday together. I was excited to the point where I couldn't sleep. I didn't want him to sleep, even though he had work I just wanted him to stay up with me. ( pretty self-fish of me ) he bared with it, we discussed about it. After the first month, i had my first break up. It was because of my past, which his friends have mentioned to him about, being in various relationships, drinking, partying. However, we worked it out, got back together. Throughout our relationship, it was quiet a roller coaster, we had arguements mostly because of my insecurities. We went through 3 break ups within our 5 month and 1 week relationship.
I would question if he would cheat, or leave me several times a week. Even though he gets to see me only once i week i would spend an hour worrying about it. I would become emo and upset, without his reassurance. This drove him nuts, it drove him away from me. Who wouldn't be tired from all of it? I was pretty tired myself. I wore him out.
Now as i think to myself while i'm typing this, maybe its time to give myself a break. I think its time to focus on myself and build self-esteem, and confidence. I've finally come to this conclusion because not only did i just lose a simple relationship this time. I lost one that meant more than the world to me. I know for sure next time, when I'm ready. I won't be the same girl I have been for the past 4 years.
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